You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
