I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
