thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
