I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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