My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
