I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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