I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
