lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
