actually, I'm a sock model
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
