1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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