Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
