I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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