she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
