I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
