my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
