I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
there is glitter all over my balls
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
