Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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