Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
