You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
