i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
