I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
