It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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