Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
