i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
