Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
