i just sent this text using only my big toe
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
COCAINE IS GR8
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