This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
