2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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