just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
