I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
