your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
