People in love make me want to vomit
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
