I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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