You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
