Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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