I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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