my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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