some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize