made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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