I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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