I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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