Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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