I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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