I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
