he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
