dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
