Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
