party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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