love makes seman taste better
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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