I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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