i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
