Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
