Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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