She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
