Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
